Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
