I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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