wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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