Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
