I looked at my own cervix.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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