For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
