A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
