He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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