He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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