I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
