and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
