Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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