good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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