Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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