I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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