I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
