I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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