Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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