I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
please come you make the beer taste better
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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