I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
