he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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