Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
