I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
