Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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