He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
please come you make the beer taste better
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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