i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I got inside last night via doggy door
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
