Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
