She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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