Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
