So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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