My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Girls should come with a carfax report
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
