And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
