I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
