I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
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