i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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