I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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