genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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