My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
