You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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