Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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