I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ketchup is God's man juice
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
