The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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