Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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