got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize