dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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