is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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