she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize