dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
