I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
