I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
