he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize