just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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