So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
