I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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