I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
