We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
