it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
