Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Randomize
