i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
