I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
