I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
