what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
