The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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