In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
