I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
