I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
