I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
