I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
