there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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