Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
