u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
