Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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