Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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